music making, art and life

I have come to understand that whatever art that is produced does not represent the being of it’s creator. Art be it music, literature or painting is just a frozen capsule of a particular instance of thought. It does not embody the person behind the work. 

The person you are and the art you create are two separate matters. 

Your art is a part of you but you are not your art. 

I have learned that there is beauty in loving everything that happens to you in life, and similar beauty to be found in letting go.

What is it to a name?

What is it to a face and a voice?

What is to know someone? To understand the being of a person. His/her every habit and words. Every story, every laugh and quirk. 

Then what is it to be a face and nothing more?

To be saying hello but there is no one there.  conversation with no content. 

With eyes drifting beyond the scene in these empty shells we know so well. 

And there is no one 

no one there at all. 

- 

So what is to a name, a face and a voice when there is nothing in it?

I have been talking to alot of people recently. I’m quite happy about this. It’s really great to be reaching out and finally fulfilling my new year’s resolution for the past 3 years bit by bit. Like i always tell myself, slowly and surely. Slowly and surely. 

So 3, 4, 5, and even 6 hours worth of conversations with different individuals. Catching up and talking about anything under the sun. It really feels good. These talks allowed me to understand that everyone has their own set of issues that we each have to deal with. No one is perfect. We are all just ordinary people trying to figure things out and thats very normal. I am too trying to deal with my own issues, trying to work things out, trying to find myself. Trying to see the world beyond what it is and to learn to know when to let go and when to hold on. I’m starting to believe that everything you see wrong in a person is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. And that you should always work on yourself as a person first. Do not try to change someone else. Let people learn from themselves, through their own experiences. Just be a friend who is there to support and i think that will be enough. I’m also starting to see reasons to why i am the way i am and why i feel im being viewed in a certain kind of way. Like how you view yourself is not the way others view you. Then i’ll begin to ponder, then what is the true you? In what way are you being honest to yourself? I guess you won’t really know. There are things that we will never know and it’s ok. It’s okay to read things at face value and sometimes it might be even better that way.

I don’t know but maybe i’m just thinking too much these days.  

Oh well 

I am not a 4am person. I like mornings. I like waking up before the alarm rings and realizing the day has just begun. It’s a really nice feeling waking up before the alarm rings, like a little gift that the day has given to you. I like eating cereal in my long pj pants and switching on the television to see if there are any good documentaries on. Especially if the documentary is about deep sea marine life, weird insects or something from the How-is-it-made series on Discovery.  

I think i am a closet introvert. I truly enjoy spending time at home working on projects on my own. I like creating. To write, to sing, to draw, to paint. To look at a blank piece of paper and only see possibilities. It’s such an exciting experience. It starts with clearing the table then looking at beautiful things that others have created. Then i’ll get to work. This can go on for hours and even days. I like being excited about ideas and working on them. It is immensely satisfying when the process is over. 

I like my alone time. I like going to the library every once in a while to borrow art books. Everything from graphic design, illustration, book binding, animation blah blah blah. The national library always allow you to double your borrowing limit during the holidays. I’ll try to remind myself to return the books on time even though i always don’t. OH WELL! 

I also like running errands by my own and stopping by the art shop every once in a while. I’ll caress the different textured coloured paper with my fingers and feel its smooth rich goodness yet knowing that you can’t buy them because you don’t need it. I’ll try to give my self reasons to buy the new drawing pen that was just released too. My head tells me that i don’t need it but my heart tells me ‘buy it! Its an investment! ‘. I’ll leave the shop at least 30 bucks poorer every single time. Woes of an art student. This is why i don’t usually shop for clothes.

After that i will window shop at the quirky stationary store down stairs. I like looking at little pretty peculiar things. Especially if they are handmade.  I’ll oggle at all the pretty notebooks, mouth watering goodness that i can’t afford because i’ve already have too many of the same thing. The store plays Charlie lim’s ep and i grinned to myself. Secretly hiding my immerse satisfaction with the development in local music. And also with the fact that i know that i’m kind of a part of this community.

I like eating ice cream too. Not the cheap tub ones though. I like good quality ice cream but sometimes the 1 dollar mint chip ice cream that the aunty sells at the bus interchange will do. Ice cream makes me happy and nothing is more satisfying then a bite of heaven after a long and tiring day in this sweltering heat. I like walking home with that cup of ice cream in my hand with a new song stuck in my head, trying to figure out a way to write lyrics to the new tune. 

I like reading a book in a empty bathtub. I’ll bring a pillow into the bath room, lay in the bath tub and shut the world out when there’s a good book in hand. That was how i finished Harry Potter. 

I like simple things. They make me happy and make me feel at peace with myself.

Ok i need to sleep. It’s gonna be a busy week. 

I used to think that you can. Now i realised you can’t. 

After all we are all humans. Malleable things that are constantly shaped by experiences and we act differently in different situations. It doesn’t mean that you are a fake person or wearing masks or whatever. It doesn’t mean anything if a person’s behavior is inconsistent in different situations because we react differently to different environments and the people around us. I couldn’t understand this till today actually. For a moment i thought that the people around me were wearing masks. It was really difficult for me to understand. I couldn’t understand how can a person be so different when placed in different social situations. How you can be a loud at school then really quiet in a group. Or how you can be really aloof in a big group and become a really chatty and outgoing person in a one to one situation. Are you treating me a certain way because you want something from me or are you being normal? What is normal? Then i realised that i’m also like that in a way. An entire different entity in school, at home, at work and the different social circles. I guess that makes us what we are, multi faceted creatures. Different situations brings out a different side of a person. It doesn’t mean that the people are less genuine or honest. Perhaps there may be a hidden agenda. but don’t we all have hidden agendas in what we do? Even in the most simplest of friendship. Isn’t friendship an agenda by itself? Then what is true altruism? Does it even exist? 

I guess it really depends on how you want to view things. When the glass is half full, everything will look much better. When you trust in people, people will trust in you too. Maybe it will take some time, sometimes even years. Sometimes the person may not be what they are even if you have known them for 10-20 years. And thats a really scary thought. 

So lets return to the main question for today. How do you define a person?Hack. how do you even define yourself ? Don’t you know yourself the best? I used to think that i know myself really well. But NO. This is not the case. I find myself really inconsistent with my choices and actions. You can’t treat everyone the same even though you can try your best. I find myself being swayed and not making decisions the way i used to. I find myself being affected in ways i have never felt before. I can have all the logical answers in my head but still deny what is obviously true. The heart just wants to win even though the head is darn sure about what is going to happen. No matter how much i try not to dwell and to think about the right way of doing things, i am still a girl. Women are emotional creatures. And no matter how much i hate to admit it, i am a person and i have feelings and moods. I get happy, upset, angry at things that i try to rationalise. But at the end of the day, you really don’t need a reason to why you feel the way you do. You just do and it’s ok. It’s ok to feel things, you are human and you have feelings because you are alive. There is no shame in being inconsistent. There is no shame in deviating from people’s impression of you and your behavior. After all ‘your brand’ of yourself is only brand. You are your own person and you decide your own life. So what if your friends think you are an over achiever, or a class clown etc. We tend to conform into molds that we think is expected of us. Like ’ Xue Yi is a very positive girl’ , The truth is that i try my best because that is how i want to lead my life. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that im always positive. It doesn’t mean that i don’t get upset because i do. I just don’t show it.

Then is there is really no need to label yourself ? I admit that defining yourself does help you know your grounds and the reasons to your actions. But it does limits you because of the way you view yourself. Telling yourself that you are certain kind of person also means you are stopping yourself from being something more or something less. You are putting yourself in a cage. I tend to do that then i realised that there is really no point. 

Just be yourself. 

I’m beginning to think that that maybe the one of the best advice that i have ever received. I always thought being yourself means being that person that people see you as. Now i’m beginning to realise that being yourself means not letting anything define you. Not even yourself. You do what you do.

With spirit with mind and most importantly with heart.

You cannot put yourself on a pedestal but you cannot push yourself into the drain. I think we are all created equal in someways. A life is a life. Why should we measure it? We are born in different situations, everyone has their own stories. Why should we judge the value of another person’s life? Why should we judge another person’s choice? Even though it may implicate you, it may even disappoint you or hurt you. It’s still the person’s own choice at the end of the day though. You take what you get and appreciate what you have. 

Personally i think that this is where values and god comes into play, without them there will be nothing to guide you. Let your actions speak for itself, just lead your life the way you want and be happy.

You are everything you are and everything you are not.

Just be yourself why won’t you.

—

She taught me how to give. 

And now i pay it forward as much as i can. 

My best friend of 9 years is a petite tan girl who loves laughing. We were class mates for 4 years and sat next to each other for the same amount of time. We laughed like there is no tomorrow, played pranks on our friends and helped each other out in everything we do. We both love art, music and sports even though she is a much quieter person than i am. We complemented each other really well. That’s why we clicked i guess.

We were in the first people we both met in secondary school too. I can never forget our conversation and her anxious face that day. She was panting and late for our first day of school and she asked me if this was the class she was in.

We were only 13 back then.

For the past 9 years she taught me how to be a friend. How to think before i talk and most importantly how to give. She gave like no one i have ever met in my life. Cards, words, patience, honesty, faith, trust. Whatever i needed she gave without hesitation. And i took and took like a sponge. She is critical and tells me the truth every single time. No exceptions. 

Now we are 22 and look where life has brought us. 

Her life is not perfect. It’s far from it and she has been through alot but She still continues to give. She still continues to have faith in life and face her problems with a smile. She is always there, always patiently waiting and giving. She never pushes and never expects.  And i’m afraid that i may have taken her for granted at times. She is a huge factor in shaping the way i treat my friends today. She showed me the value of true friendship and for that i am truly grateful. She showed me that it’s really what you make out of what you have that makes the difference. Having a messed up life does not mean that you have to be a messed up person. It does not determine your life choices. You determine your life choice, not your circumstances. 

I think the best people are the ones who are quietly brillant. 

My best friend’s favorite colour is green. She has a green laptop case, green file, green handphone cover. Green everything. She loves to cook. She loves to make things for the people she cares about. She listens more then she talks. She counts down to the weekend with me via text. She has a missing tooth in the bottom row of her teeth. She also has been telling me that she wants to volunteer at the animal shelter for a few years now.

And i most definitely think that she is quietly brillant.   

-

I am who i am today because of you.